tell me you love me, and let that be enough

It's like deja vu. My life is so fucking fuckked up. And its ironic how i can no longer use my main blog to rly vent my feelings. LIKE WHAT I'M REALLY FEELING. every single peeve and idiosyncrasy


K i'm deviating. Thing is, I HATE MYSELF. HATE WHO I AM. "sat down for a minute, grew up into men" don't take that literally. I just feel so serious and stern and old and so utterly UN-fun at the moment. This is so unorthodox but really, i wish there was a dummies guide on how to be fun. It used to come so naturally. But right now, i'm just so drained and boring. FML.

AND SEEING MY EC EVERYDAY and pretending to be apathetic at the same time is tiring.

I hate hate hate it in this new school. the people are so freaking completely different. Okay this is going to a completely honest rambling session to vent so please do not continue reading(in the first place how the hell did you get here, unless you're haoyee, haha)

Its this mambo jumbo of weird weird completely different people. People that are downright pretentious and insensitive and horrid and unfeeling. Especially this particular girl(G). I got this gut feeling that she's jealous and that she being nice to me is just a charade. She's such a freaking bitch. Even tammy/wenlyn agree that behind that smile probably lies an ugly thought. I HATE HAVING HER AROUND. a fucking hate it. In cedar, everyone's caring and everyone goes out of her own way to makes sure things are okay for you. Everyone does it.

I find myself growing closer and closer to Tammy and Wenlyn. Reaching out to them more often and in greater desperation. They understand, they keep me sane and they keep the cedar memories alive. Because cedarians, all same pattern one:D We love each other, we look out for each other and we're the freaking nicest people you get from anywhere. haha, OBVIOUSLY A BIASED SOURCE.

Then there's this tiny tiny issue about boys and the fear that ONE may be, a distraction sooner or later. XXX is not helping. Before JC started, i told myself i'd never fall in love, i'd never ever succumb to the vunerability that had the potential to destroy yet another part of my heart. I promised myself, i promised yanting and haoyee, that i would dedicate this two years to sheer hard work and have no entanglements whatsoever. But now...i dont know. I've never met anyone more persistent, childish, vunerable, loving and painfully sweet. Yet at the same time, with an epic potential to break me.
"He had a word too. Love, he called it. But i had been used to words for a long time. I knew that word was just like the others, just a shape to fill a lock; that when the right time came, you wouldnt need a word for that anymore than for pride or fear"

Also, I told myself that 'yay i'm so freaking fat no guy would ever go for me' i told myself never mind that i was a rolly polly and twice the size of any other girl, i'd still be confident and mature in my new school. I wouldnt give a shit about image/skinnyness. BUT SADLY NOT THE CASE. i have this serious inferiority complex cause i'm so fat and every other girl in school is smokin' hot and spunky. I feel like digging a hole for myself to hide in or sinking into the whitewash paint of the school walls.

I love all my old friends. Huichun,Yanting,Haoyee,Joyce,Valerie,Raylia,Cherie. They moulded me to be the person i am today. Slightly more confident, freaking loud, unrestrained and always ready to love. I wish i could have them all back. But i know life's like that. Its about constant change, adapting and coping. But i wish i had an element of the old and familiar to hold on to. To help me tide over this period. Where i'm adapting to a new set of friends and education system. Where i have to freaking deal with "friends".

Okay, most of the girls i've befriended are genuinely lovely, sweet nice people. But some of them make my hair stand because they're such complete BITCHES. grrrhhh, peace and love anyone? Dont judge me just based on how i look, how loud i laugh, how loud my vocal chords are WHATEVER. Dont let my exterior discriminate me. GET TO KNOW ME FIRST PLEASE? dont break my heart by living each day with a preconceived and false notion of me as a person. I'd love to get to know you too(:

HAHA, dear god i hope you're reading this. It'll be so tiring to have to repeat this once more in my prayers tonight. heeee(although i still will) oh stand by me lord. Valerie once told me
"if He brings you here, He will bring you through"

i am fucking pissed with you. like you tell me "please tag" and i do it. because everybody just understands how bloody annoying it is when someone reads your blog/your intimate feelings/opinions and they just leave without a comment/recognition of like "hey its ok i understand how you feel".
the stupidest and most annoying part is when you're a friend and i tell you almost everything i feel and when i'm feeling down, i make it so very clear on my blog(which you read all the time but dont admit), you dont even comment to say "kaywei, how are you doing"

alright never mind that you dont comment, you fucking dont even bother to call me up or text me. like hello, if you use your home phone you dont have to pay a single fucking cent for your outgoing calls cause the bills not your problem.

hello, i help you alright. i helped you when you needed me. i tried my best with tags/comments/texts/presence when life came crashing down on you. like what the fuck is your attitude to me now?

i mean i completely understand if you're not comfortable with having your name put up on blogs(the comment part). but hello, i take a look around and you're tagging on everybody's tagboard/comment even your OWN.

you hate me much?


the olevel results were released yesterday. and i ran over to you. "____how did you do?" my happiness somehow hung on your happiness too. i was so fucking concerned whether you could get your ideal grade. YOU DID. and i was so happy for you. i was so proud of you. but YOU DIDNT EVEN FUCKING BOTHER TO ASK "WHAT ABOUT YOU? HOW DID YOU DO?"
you really didnt care actually. all the pretence for the past few months and now i can see your true facade.

you didnt actually care that i didnt do as good as i wanted to do, and that i was devastated and heartbroken. you didnt care that my walls were crumbling. i guess you had really really more important friends to care about.

i dont know how i'm going to continue talking to you again. i want to call you, i want to pick my phone and dial those familiar numbers and while my afternoon away talking to you about my options. but i guess you have the others from your class to talk to. after all, we're a different league now right?


i'm not referring to just one girl. its two. you two, broke my heart so bad.

text me, comment just make some pathetic effort to just type a little but more on ONE MORE blog. ask me how i'm doing. i forgive so easily. i still love you two. but time and again, it feels like you dont love me as much. like you dont care.

you got the time to tag on XXX's blog about random things, but you FUCKING GOT NO SENSE OR EYES OR BRAIN TO SEE THAT I AM JUST AS SENSITIVE AS YOU ABOUT THESE THINGS AND THAT I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOUR COMMENT.

haha, the next time you tell me "kaywei, tag can?" (because your tagboards kinda dead) or when you say "i scared no one tags and i'll look like a loser" and that sorta stuff that i feel exactly the same way about, i'll tell you "THEN WOULD YOU DO THE SAME FOR ME WHEN I'M DOWN"???????????????????????????????

what the fuck.