I hate hate hate it in this new school. the people are so freaking completely different. Okay this is going to a completely honest rambling session to vent so please do not continue reading(in the first place how the hell did you get here, unless you're haoyee, haha)

Its this mambo jumbo of weird weird completely different people. People that are downright pretentious and insensitive and horrid and unfeeling. Especially this particular girl(G). I got this gut feeling that she's jealous and that she being nice to me is just a charade. She's such a freaking bitch. Even tammy/wenlyn agree that behind that smile probably lies an ugly thought. I HATE HAVING HER AROUND. a fucking hate it. In cedar, everyone's caring and everyone goes out of her own way to makes sure things are okay for you. Everyone does it.

I find myself growing closer and closer to Tammy and Wenlyn. Reaching out to them more often and in greater desperation. They understand, they keep me sane and they keep the cedar memories alive. Because cedarians, all same pattern one:D We love each other, we look out for each other and we're the freaking nicest people you get from anywhere. haha, OBVIOUSLY A BIASED SOURCE.

Then there's this tiny tiny issue about boys and the fear that ONE may be, a distraction sooner or later. XXX is not helping. Before JC started, i told myself i'd never fall in love, i'd never ever succumb to the vunerability that had the potential to destroy yet another part of my heart. I promised myself, i promised yanting and haoyee, that i would dedicate this two years to sheer hard work and have no entanglements whatsoever. But now...i dont know. I've never met anyone more persistent, childish, vunerable, loving and painfully sweet. Yet at the same time, with an epic potential to break me.
"He had a word too. Love, he called it. But i had been used to words for a long time. I knew that word was just like the others, just a shape to fill a lock; that when the right time came, you wouldnt need a word for that anymore than for pride or fear"

Also, I told myself that 'yay i'm so freaking fat no guy would ever go for me' i told myself never mind that i was a rolly polly and twice the size of any other girl, i'd still be confident and mature in my new school. I wouldnt give a shit about image/skinnyness. BUT SADLY NOT THE CASE. i have this serious inferiority complex cause i'm so fat and every other girl in school is smokin' hot and spunky. I feel like digging a hole for myself to hide in or sinking into the whitewash paint of the school walls.

I love all my old friends. Huichun,Yanting,Haoyee,Joyce,Valerie,Raylia,Cherie. They moulded me to be the person i am today. Slightly more confident, freaking loud, unrestrained and always ready to love. I wish i could have them all back. But i know life's like that. Its about constant change, adapting and coping. But i wish i had an element of the old and familiar to hold on to. To help me tide over this period. Where i'm adapting to a new set of friends and education system. Where i have to freaking deal with "friends".

Okay, most of the girls i've befriended are genuinely lovely, sweet nice people. But some of them make my hair stand because they're such complete BITCHES. grrrhhh, peace and love anyone? Dont judge me just based on how i look, how loud i laugh, how loud my vocal chords are WHATEVER. Dont let my exterior discriminate me. GET TO KNOW ME FIRST PLEASE? dont break my heart by living each day with a preconceived and false notion of me as a person. I'd love to get to know you too(:

HAHA, dear god i hope you're reading this. It'll be so tiring to have to repeat this once more in my prayers tonight. heeee(although i still will) oh stand by me lord. Valerie once told me
"if He brings you here, He will bring you through"